unpacking my heart with words

i made a promise--if he doesn't cry, then i won't.

*there are some promises i shouldn't make.




so right now there's a countdown of sorts in my life. i try not to think about it. i'm focusing on my job, constantly working on my portfolio, burying myself in a short narrative i'm writing, telling myself, "OF COURSE I'LL WORK OUT TOMORROW! ONWARD!" for the most part, i don't dwell on the negative. but it is as it is with all newness--in order for some things to begin, others have to end. if it was just my life that was taking a new course, i'd be fine with it. however, my choices are now rewriting toby's future, and time has now started to get in his way.

i hate Time.

even though i name him so, he's not a puppy. his personality and behavior have belied his age for years, but he's been slowing down of late. he no longer wants to play as much, he doesn't like the dog park, and over the past few months, he's become increasingly reluctant to go on his daily walks. the smallest of sounds, if unexpected, will spook him for hours. i worry because, although we communicate very well, he can't tell me what's wrong. i try to make appropriate alterations to accommodate his aging, but solutions are very, and i've come to hate this phrase, short-lived. he gets scared, and nothing i do comforts him. he's tripping over his own feet and losing his balance more often, and i nearly panic when he slips on the steps three days in a row.

i feel so fucking helpless.

i've never really ascribed to the "dog as child" theory because toby inhabits a whole different universe.  it's just that he's been there. every day, without fail. he possesses that anecdotal mystic power of dogs, that which enables them to sense when you want the world to swallow you whole. mind you, toby has never tried to join in the struggle and pull me out. that's not his style. instead, he settles in next to me, as if to say, "here i am. i'll keep watch." that's all i've ever needed, and of all in my life, he's the one who's understood that the best.

with the school year beginning, i've had a few late evenings and been delayed in getting home to my pup. when he was younger, this wasn't really an issue. but now that i'm noticing changes (that are occurring more frequently), i don't feel okay with him being by himself as he had been in the past. it's harder for him, and consequently, it's harder for me. as he continues to age (again, Time, you suck), he needs to be in a place where others are with him more often, where he doesn't have to do stairs every day, and where the afternoons are more dulcet, more suitable for his temperament. my place is not that place.

i've already discussed this with my parents. they live in a quiet town known for bologna (i'm not going to even bother explaining...), and he loves it there. he adores my parents partly because my mom gives him table scraps and my dad lets him mess with the cat. he's their grandpuppy, and he knows it. and so that's where he needs to be someday. he shouldn't have to struggle anymore than "normal" as he ages, and he shouldn't have to be alone. the only reason why i'm even accepting this change is that it will be good for him, and i know mom and dad would take him right now, if they could have their way. the arrangement is completely for his benefit. that's supposed to be a good thing. and i hate it.

this is so hard. i've had my boy since he was only eight weeks old, when he was small enough to scurry under my dresser when the big, bad clouds would grumble and rumble at him. i can't even begin to recount other memories; there are too many, a deluge pounding away at me, rendering me unable to even say how much toby means to me.

but i'm bound and determined--i'm going to make the most of each second we have together. and as i said, i swore that if he wasn't crying, then i wouldn't either. in order to help myself do that, i'm going to have to have some kind of outlet. so please forgive me if this is a bit maudlin for your taste. if i'm going to maintain my spirits and enjoy my time with him, then this is the place where i have to cry.