overdue confessions

1. my life could take an odd turn on monday.
2. i'm scared shitless.

in three days time, i will be meeting with someone who could show me how to open a lot of doors in the writing & art worlds. the light bursting through the passages is blinding, & i'm not sure if i have what it takes to step forward on my own.

given my unexpected success in the Otakon Art Show, my confidence should be high. should. that i was able to generate five decent pieces start-to-finish in exactly thirty days should be evidence enough that i have the drive. that each image was well received should tell me that i have a degree of talent. that i had nothing to take home at the con's close should indicate that i can do this. should, should, should, should...

***

for the past ten months, i've been unable to keep the writing engine running consistently, & drawing has provided a refuge from the absolute frustration & verbal powerlessness. false starts & self-intimidation have rendered my efforts futile & fruitless. i don't know what's happened to that which has been my primary modality for the past three and a half years. i feel somewhat lost without it. &, despite recalling all that should be, i feel that my drawing is unable to rise & compensate.

& now i want to marry my virtually non-existent writing with my sub-par drawing in hopes of someday breaking into a highly competitive industry?

i am highly aware of my self-defeating language. no need to highlight my rampant doubt & lack of faith. i acknowledge that these are the qualities that hinder my progress. i know that, in order to succeed, these are the obstacles that must be cleared. i am, in short, terrified.

at first, i was afraid to show any of my creations to anyone, friend or stranger. it was about a year after starting my larger writing project that i was able to share any specific passages with a dear friend. [*i have yet to show it to my family.] prior to the `11-12 school year, i was too scared to reveal my artwork to anyone outside of my close circle of friends. i was only able to show at Otakon because no one knew me & could not attach my name to a face. the safety of anonymity was a grace. & now, i seek a face-to-face audience with a stranger, one who will know my name, one who is an expert, one who is esconced in the business, one who could eviscerate my efforts in ten words or less.

i'm still going to attend the meeting. i'm not going to pass up this chance, & i'm not going to roll over & forever wonder, "what if..." however, i think, at least for now, i'm permitted a tremulous heart.