loved

when it starts to dawn on you how loved you really are, how much Honest-To-God real love people give you instead of that random quantity of requisite goodwill made up in your head, two things happen:

1. you panic, wondering "how in the hell did this happen in the first place?" & "shit, i'd better do something to be worthy of this, & fast..."
2. you realize that this absurd phenomenon has nothing to do with you actively earning anything; as damning as it is, someone is loving you for who you are, warts & all, & they're willing to show it, at whatever cost.

then a third thing happens--you get humble really fast.

here's the safe, cliché opening hook: "i wouldn't be who i am today if it hadn't been for the people who love me."

here's the real (& possibly unsettling, but what the hell) opening hook: "i wouldn't be here, alive, if it hadn't been for the people who love me."

& such is my truth. my life has changed so drastically since this time last year, & even in just the past two weeks, i couldn't blink without something old disappearing & something new sliding into place. there were times, also in the past two weeks, when i thought i would collapse, go over the edge, break, do a combination thereof, & maybe just be done. i'd keel over. my soul wouldn't be able to make it, so it'd do me in, maybe in my sleep. sorry if that's difficult, but again, that is my truth. thankfully, whether or not they were aware of my struggles' depths, people around me refused to let me go. they loved me too much.

thus i turn to my family. my mom & dad, mg & de respectively, & my bro gj (whom i've hyped before) all dug deep to help me take this critical next step. were it not for their help, i don't think i could have i know i couldn't have made this move. thursday, upon returning to MD, i packed a little. i had to be ready for the family patrol; i did not want them to have so much work to do, when, after all, i was the one who was relocating. i refused to sit on my ass & take them for granted. friday, gj arrived early in the morning after having driven through crap weather. by that point, i wanted so badly to be organized & to know what to do. that had been my mission, & that way, my family wouldn't feel as though they had to bear my burden.

*i hate being a burden, by the way. hate, hate, hate.

of course, things never go as i think they ought, & my head was a fucking mess. i couldn't concentrate because my thoughts were racing, & the few times they slowed, i still couldn't catch any of them. i ended up just staring into space more than a few times. & simultaneously, gj was plowing through the apartment like a trooper, organizing, boxing, & doing everything that, to my dismay, i really couldn't. we took a break, we sat, we talked, i cried. i cried a lot. over & over & over. & gj listened. then some quiet, & we were soon able to start again.

then mg & de arrived. i think i was taking a nap or something, waylaid by stress, anger, pain, & sadness. whatever i was doing, it wasn't helping the moving cause, at least not in my eyes. i tried bits & pieces, but i was even at a loss for restating what had already been decided for this chair or that vacuum. i simply couldn't remember. more staring into space. more burden to spread around.

somehow or other (not through my doing, that's for certain), the truck was largely packed. yesterday, the actual moving day was filled with trial & travail (see my forthcoming post). when mg, de, & i finally arrived at the new place in NJ (four hours later than planned; again, fuck you, Google), it took at least two hours to empty the truck & haul everything to the third floor of the house. i dropped shit, broke an old yet very necessary wooden drawer, fell on the stairs, scraped my knuckles, & on, & on. & i got confused. while i was running in quasi-robot mode, so as to prevent total mental collapse, my mom kept us cheered, & my dad kept us organized. & eventually, everything made it up.

throughout the past ~60 hours, i found myself saying "thank you, i'm sorry, i'm trying" over & over again. i felt so useless. i was a wreck but didn't want to admit it. people tell me i'm smart, right? so i know that a career change will be stressful, a move will be stressful, & damned if i don't already know relationship situations are always stressful. & this is how my mind works: if i already KNOW that X is going to be stressful, then i should be able to get ahead of the game & somehow wizardly make the stress disappear. i know it's coming, so that should annul its malevolence. right? right? ... yeah...

anyway, the miracle of the ordeal is that mg, de, & gj never needed to hear "thank you, i'm sorry, i'm trying" from me, not even once. for whatever reason, i was so scared that they'd be angry with me for having the mind that i do, replete with its different circuitry & processing abilities & emotional feedback loops. though i've known that i've been blessed by having these three people as immediate family, i was terrified that somehow, they'd lose their patience & really let me have it, or, worse, never want to help me again, since i was so weak & useless & lazy. their disappointment would be tacit, but very real.

& so i am the fool. it's occurred to me throughout the day that my family really threw themselves into a mammoth effort to help me make this tremendous leap. & i've realized that it's not because of anything i [don't] do or [don't] say; it's simply because they have the holiness in their souls to see who i am in mine &  to love me for it. i am terrifically flawed, but they know that & still have faith enough to support me, to put forth superhuman effort so that i may be blessed in my own life.

in the past three days, we four have held hands, we have leapt from the edge, all so that i could be more of who i am. & in this, mom, dad, gj, i know i am loved. i cannot say thank you enough.