fuck you, Google. fuck you.

Google, i hate you. we are O-fficially broked up.
well, we are, until i need you to find me information so that i can either look &/or be devastatingly hot/witty/appropriately located. oh wait. that last one? never mind.

let's post this one in the category "lessons joanna should have learned by now," shall we?

it's been tradition for the past  ?  years for the fam to convene in OCNJ, as beach is in our blood, & once i started living on my own, of course it made sense for me to drive up from MD to meet everyone else at whatever condo had been rented for the week. make sense? of course it does! &, as the days of the Rand McNally* paper atlas had been over for-basically-ever, i turned to you, Google.

i thought this partnership was going to be a boon the first time i tried it. however, in attempting to follow your lead through the back roads of jersey, i got lost. at first, i thought it was the garden state's fault. seriously, who still has traffic circles? i mean, there's boston, but let's leave that one alone for now... but then it happened again. & again. & again, to the point where my family was only half-joking when they promised me a garmin for my upcoming birthday. my luck only changed when i opened my 11 year old RMcN atlas (mini-ed for car travel) & decided to take the only the major routes. if it took me 100 miles out of my way & 2 hours longer to get to the beach, at least i'd get there with my sanity & dignity still intact, dammit.

this is the problem: Google, pretty much EVERY TIME i've tried to drive through jersey with your help, i get lost. & this last experience? wow, you really know when to suck, don't you? probably one of the most stressful days ever, & you give me the single direction that nearly fucks up the whole trip: take 15E to U.S. 9N/Raymond Ave. so i take 15E. & guess what, jerk? U.S. 9S goes with Raymond Ave, while U.S. 9N goes with something completely different. i was so surprised & confused that i don't even remember what the other road was. point is, i was still trying to get my bearings, so i just went with Raymond Ave. then i find myself being turned around toward the airport. then there's a back-up due to a 4 car pile-up, & i panic. see, i'd copied my directions & passed them on to my parents; dad was driving the moving truck & mom was driving her car. neither has driven northern NJ enough times to have more directional know-how than i do, so, as far as i knew, i was steering my parents right into a highway hot mess.

fortunately, i was far enough ahead (because i got a head start, not because i was doing 90... shows what you know...) & i was able to call & reroute them, as i had time to figure out the mistake while slowly creeping by the accident. through several games of phone tag, my parents & i were able to direct ourselves & thus arrived at my new digs about an hour later than we probably should have. our nerves were frayed, & we still had to unload an entire apartment's worth of furniture. if only you hadn't led me to believe that U.S. 9N & Raymond Ave were joined at the hip... if only you'd paid attention to reality & had truly wanted to steer me right...

Google, until you provide me with some fascinating tidbit of wildly useless information that makes me look ridiculously brilliant &/or beautiful, you're on probation. oh, & FYI: your rival is fully aware of my feelings.