gommen.
so i begin at the end, where, in the past, i would have said, "everything has gone to hell, & i have no idea where my life is headed. i'm lost & alone & don't know what i'm going to do." but this morning, were i to say that, i would be lying. after all that i've endured, all that i've learned, & all that i've become, the last thing i want to do is lie. to be the best me, i'll be honest and grateful.
last night was a major moment of truth because, for once, i was transparent with myself. i knew who i was, & though i hinted at hiding it, i ultimately stood behind it. i couldn't treat my heart as though it really didn't matter. though the decisions made were trying & will probably sting for some time to come, they are the right ones. despite how much i wish i'd never been brought to these crossroads, i was. the outcome truly saddens me, but i stepped in the direction that is ultimately the best for all involved. not all will see it that way, & it hurts to know that others are hurting. i'm grieving, not just for my own loss, but also for the pain carried by those dear to me.
years ago, i would have reacted angrily, lashing out & saying, "this was worthless! this was a fucking waste of time!" that, too, would be a lie. the fact that something doesn't go the way we desire has nothing to do with the value it has in our lives. again, a truth: i am very thankful for the past thirteen months. in december of 2011, i was much less, huddling in my hurt & continuing to open internal wounds, solely for the sake of nursing them & claiming that doing so would remind me, protect me from further blows. & then this began, & i realized my farce. to make something of this, i would have to be better than i was; i would have to learn to trust, & i would have to abandon the practice of chaining myself to fear. thus, the start of a very hard journey along a very rocky road. but i've traveled it, buoyed & cheered on during times of trial, & this morning, i am a new person. for this, i am more grateful than my pitiful words can say.
so i've come full-circle, & i haven't. i'm back to the point where i must start over, & i'm not. what began with promise has been a dream come true, just not in the way i expected. what started with beauty has remained so, just not manifesting how i thought it would. i begin again, just as i did a little over a year ago, but i'm in a new place. i still carry tears, but i am thankful because they come from that which has filled & transformed me into a better, more present person. i've become more of a real human being, & that's a pretty damn good place to start over.
love, & Godspeed.
so i begin at the end, where, in the past, i would have said, "everything has gone to hell, & i have no idea where my life is headed. i'm lost & alone & don't know what i'm going to do." but this morning, were i to say that, i would be lying. after all that i've endured, all that i've learned, & all that i've become, the last thing i want to do is lie. to be the best me, i'll be honest and grateful.
last night was a major moment of truth because, for once, i was transparent with myself. i knew who i was, & though i hinted at hiding it, i ultimately stood behind it. i couldn't treat my heart as though it really didn't matter. though the decisions made were trying & will probably sting for some time to come, they are the right ones. despite how much i wish i'd never been brought to these crossroads, i was. the outcome truly saddens me, but i stepped in the direction that is ultimately the best for all involved. not all will see it that way, & it hurts to know that others are hurting. i'm grieving, not just for my own loss, but also for the pain carried by those dear to me.
years ago, i would have reacted angrily, lashing out & saying, "this was worthless! this was a fucking waste of time!" that, too, would be a lie. the fact that something doesn't go the way we desire has nothing to do with the value it has in our lives. again, a truth: i am very thankful for the past thirteen months. in december of 2011, i was much less, huddling in my hurt & continuing to open internal wounds, solely for the sake of nursing them & claiming that doing so would remind me, protect me from further blows. & then this began, & i realized my farce. to make something of this, i would have to be better than i was; i would have to learn to trust, & i would have to abandon the practice of chaining myself to fear. thus, the start of a very hard journey along a very rocky road. but i've traveled it, buoyed & cheered on during times of trial, & this morning, i am a new person. for this, i am more grateful than my pitiful words can say.
so i've come full-circle, & i haven't. i'm back to the point where i must start over, & i'm not. what began with promise has been a dream come true, just not in the way i expected. what started with beauty has remained so, just not manifesting how i thought it would. i begin again, just as i did a little over a year ago, but i'm in a new place. i still carry tears, but i am thankful because they come from that which has filled & transformed me into a better, more present person. i've become more of a real human being, & that's a pretty damn good place to start over.
love, & Godspeed.
A very wise man once told me "A bonsai must be repotted to grow." I will never forget that. Being uprooted is painful, and having your roots trimmed is as well, but, it's the only way to make room for growth. Good luck my friend. Sempei.
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