there are concrete dealbreakers, & then there's this.

i know many of you know this, but i think it bears repeating:

ladies, men are not DIY projects.

i was lying in the grass, post-run, about two hours ago, & i happened to overhear an awkwardly loud portion of a cell conversation.


"if you're not going to be the man i want you to be, then i don't want you. goodbye."

ouch.

don't get me wrong. based on my track record, it's clear that i am by no means an expert on men-humans, & i know that. in fact, there are moments when i find myself &/or other lady-humans to be beyond inscrutable. this, however, is an issue that, at least for step one, transcends gender & romance. it's about human dignity.

there's always someone we single out. publicly articulated or not, we ask, "why can't s/he be more/like x/y/z?" plainly stated, we believe that if this other person had a particular personality composition (of our own design), then s/he'd be perfect. but if we stick to this initial query, we're inevitably led to further, unsettling questions. for whom is s/he perfect? for whose benefit are these two lives intertwined? on whom are we really focused? & my personal favorites--why are we So Fucking Sure that we know what the perfect her/him really looks like? & what gives us the right to demand that perfection?

i get standards. i really do. the guy who made that hilarious racist joke while we were hiking with the dogs? & the guy who thought that buying me a drink meant that he was basically buying me for the evening? (really? for $8? really? you'd have to have more money than God, pal. all i'm going to say about that.) & the guy who used highly offensive epithets in discussion of my beliefs, who then proceeded to get upset at me when i told him that i was offended? (re: track record, see above). & let's not even talk about about that potential roommate i met in april.

but beyond that, when did it become wrong for a person to be who s/he is at her core? after some consideration, perhaps i can answer my own question. maybe it became wrong when we were suddenly forced to make a decision or accept a truth that might be a little scary. for me, i have some terrifically huge insecurities, and last november, i decided to confront a loved one about it.

i sent an email* the length of the Bible. "THIS is not right," & "you cannot be like THAT." "i'm broken because of THIS OTHER THING," & "because of that, even the mere possibility that you MIGHT ACT THAT WAY hurts a lot." in essence, i was secretly hoping that this person was blind. what scared me was that any sighted individual would see me, see others, do a sensible cost/benefit analysis, & trade me in for a better model. thanks to my own fears, i'd cast a particular mold that had to be filled. in doing so, i was incredibly hurtful & nearly destroyed everything. update: it took a lot of hard work, but that mess has since been cleaned up. i'm so grateful. & very lucky.

[*a thought: if you need to discuss something of great import, don't try to do that via email. for the love of all that is sacred--NO email. #learnedthehardway]

when it comes to people who are special to us, we can instantly pinpoint their qualities that we'd love to change. there are going to be the little nit-picky qualities that drive us up our collective wall. there's no getting around that. but what are we really communicating if we disallow essential parts of a person's identity? "that part of you makes you unworthy of common courtesy & plain respect. chuck it, or i'm out." is that what we really want?

i love correspondence, be it via [judicious] email, snail mail, skype, or the phone. anything. right now though, i don't have a lot of that, & sometimes, that does sadden me somewhat. believe it or not, i'm a little bit of a romantic, & past history shows that a rose & a bag of skittles can make me swoon on valentine's day. don't have that either. i have so much fun doing the random (hitting up an indie band concert just behind the Walter's), the spontaneous (dig the car out after a snowstorm to go hole up in federal hill), the thinky (seeing tosca at the Lyric), & the somewhat bizarre (a dare involving octopi). right now? not happening so much.

in the past, & admittedly sometimes in the present, that was/has been a source of frustration. & then i go run, & i lie on the grass afterward. i stare at the puffy clouds floating across the rich blue sky, & i hear Angry Lady having her Angry Conversation. i finally see it: it's nice to have those things, & a girl can't be blamed for enjoying them when they do happen. but if i turn a certain corner, a tiny part of me thinks, "YOU aren't doing/being like x/y/z, so YOU SUCK AT LIFE. FAIL." what happened? my theory--i've allowed my desire to devolve into demand. everything, the longing for correspondence, the joy of skittles, & the investment in thinky dates, rots & becomes selfish. i become selfish, forgetting the beautiful things that are already there.

i have unwavering support that has helped me stay upright in the maelstrom of the past few months. i have an understanding of my core, with invaluable words that meet me where i am. i have shared passions, soul-filling ones. best of all, i have trash talk & laughter at tom brady's expense.

but seriously.

the support, the understanding, the passions? they, & innumerable other qualities, all comprise the person's best self; if i tried a DIY personality overhaul, all of those amazing things would be devalued. i'd again be self-righteous, afraid, insecure, & hurtful. these spell-binding aspects of the heart, those caught me in the first place? i'd lose them, possibly for good.

when we feel like someone has to be who we want her/him to be, then we aren't ready for her/his core nature. as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, we don't really value her/his complete identity. we suffer in the throes of arrogance, saying that we have the right to demand perfection, even as we ourselves are far from perfect.

final thought--i don't want some walking amalgam of my highlighted must-haves. i want you, as you are.