a day comes along, & you're blind-sided. you are betrayed. you can
never go back. your image of the person in whom you've so deeply
believed--it's never the same. you can never get the answers you want
nor find the closure you need. these are the risks of loving.
since i found out, i've tried not to think about it. after all, everyone makes mistakes, & not everyone's mistake has to derail me. during times like these, i need to dial my empathy way down. doing so will preclude loss of sleep over decisions i can't control & help me stay sane. i should acknowledge the tragedy, then accept it, & finally move on.
i'm stuck on step one.
i know no details, only allegations. it's right to believe in innocence, unless there's proof of guilt. however, in circumstances such as these, hard proof is often non-existent; all that's left to determine truth or fallacy is the word of the involved parties. & where do you go with that? in whom do you believe? which tongue speaks truth & which lies? irony unintended, i ask that you trust me on this one. the revolting unknown? i know whereof i speak.
the present thorns are large & bore deep wounds, for two reasons. the first--right or wrong though it may be, i often rally to the accuser's side because of my own experience. i can't imagine someone making up such a claim, pretending to go through that particular brand of hell, & having to play that story out to its conclusion. & for what kind of gain? when individuals do fabricate, i am nothing short of enraged because it trivializes all that survivors endure; it is a mockery of our pain & the courageous strides we have had to make in order to move on. but if all happened as asserted, i can deeply sympathize, even moreso because i know this person. i know what the process has to be. i also know that some choose not to move on at all, believing that hiding is better than facing. once, that was me. but ultimately, with this particular situation, i sicken myself. i fear belief in the allegation. despite all that i know, i almost want to believe it's untrue.
the second reason--if the charge is true, then it obliterates a relationship that i have cherished for many years. when we first met, the accused was struggling with a lot of problems. we started to get along. eventually, i took this individual under my wing. we worked well together. i showed as much support as i could. i was excited for every success & encouraging after every stumble. i was that obnoxiously loud fan because i knew this person was beating the odds, overcoming previously insurmountable hurdles. gratitude, honesty, & confidence flowed back to me, & i was humbled by the trust & inclusion offered me. & guess who gave me the warmest, most overt support before i moved? at that moment, i promised i would come back, to see the progress & achievements that i was sure were coming. a smile, & a hug. i was filled.
the accused has always been more than a mentee to me, & now, this soul i had tried to nurture is alleged to have committed an egregious offense. if the claim is true, there now exists a special kind of betrayal that cuts & confounds. & if it's not? that possibility presents its own set of steely knives.
it is likely that i will know no more than i do now. i may lose contact with this person, & this relationship may forever be destroyed. a pernicious ambiguity has come to life, breaking my heart in the process.
thus, i grieve.
*--i ask that there be no comments, no inquiries regarding the subject matter of this post. it is too sensitive a matter for me to discuss further. the post itself is a search for personal catharsis & any shred of answers to be found during the journey. also, if you are familiar with the situation, i ask that you refrain from sharing information &/or interpreting my words as any endorsement or condemnation of any party. lacking the full details, all i know is that i hurt for all involved, & i don't know what to think myself. i don't know the truth, & that is part of the pain. thank you.
since i found out, i've tried not to think about it. after all, everyone makes mistakes, & not everyone's mistake has to derail me. during times like these, i need to dial my empathy way down. doing so will preclude loss of sleep over decisions i can't control & help me stay sane. i should acknowledge the tragedy, then accept it, & finally move on.
i'm stuck on step one.
i know no details, only allegations. it's right to believe in innocence, unless there's proof of guilt. however, in circumstances such as these, hard proof is often non-existent; all that's left to determine truth or fallacy is the word of the involved parties. & where do you go with that? in whom do you believe? which tongue speaks truth & which lies? irony unintended, i ask that you trust me on this one. the revolting unknown? i know whereof i speak.
the present thorns are large & bore deep wounds, for two reasons. the first--right or wrong though it may be, i often rally to the accuser's side because of my own experience. i can't imagine someone making up such a claim, pretending to go through that particular brand of hell, & having to play that story out to its conclusion. & for what kind of gain? when individuals do fabricate, i am nothing short of enraged because it trivializes all that survivors endure; it is a mockery of our pain & the courageous strides we have had to make in order to move on. but if all happened as asserted, i can deeply sympathize, even moreso because i know this person. i know what the process has to be. i also know that some choose not to move on at all, believing that hiding is better than facing. once, that was me. but ultimately, with this particular situation, i sicken myself. i fear belief in the allegation. despite all that i know, i almost want to believe it's untrue.
the second reason--if the charge is true, then it obliterates a relationship that i have cherished for many years. when we first met, the accused was struggling with a lot of problems. we started to get along. eventually, i took this individual under my wing. we worked well together. i showed as much support as i could. i was excited for every success & encouraging after every stumble. i was that obnoxiously loud fan because i knew this person was beating the odds, overcoming previously insurmountable hurdles. gratitude, honesty, & confidence flowed back to me, & i was humbled by the trust & inclusion offered me. & guess who gave me the warmest, most overt support before i moved? at that moment, i promised i would come back, to see the progress & achievements that i was sure were coming. a smile, & a hug. i was filled.
the accused has always been more than a mentee to me, & now, this soul i had tried to nurture is alleged to have committed an egregious offense. if the claim is true, there now exists a special kind of betrayal that cuts & confounds. & if it's not? that possibility presents its own set of steely knives.
it is likely that i will know no more than i do now. i may lose contact with this person, & this relationship may forever be destroyed. a pernicious ambiguity has come to life, breaking my heart in the process.
thus, i grieve.
*--i ask that there be no comments, no inquiries regarding the subject matter of this post. it is too sensitive a matter for me to discuss further. the post itself is a search for personal catharsis & any shred of answers to be found during the journey. also, if you are familiar with the situation, i ask that you refrain from sharing information &/or interpreting my words as any endorsement or condemnation of any party. lacking the full details, all i know is that i hurt for all involved, & i don't know what to think myself. i don't know the truth, & that is part of the pain. thank you.
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