a powerful morning salvo has left my defenses in disarray.
thank God.
one wouldn't think that the mere mention of an artist 500+ years dead could upend me so, rendering me exposed. nonetheless, a name was invoked, a comparison made, & i was unprepared for the consequences. those words, with others, hit their mark with prodigious accuracy.
even the exquisite expertise behind the metaphor is, by itself, enough to fell me. the verbal fluidity exerted in the execution? adroit, abundant, & profound. every piece is necessary & possessed with a kind, yet indomitable spirit, & i stand no chance against such a force. i'm convinced that the speaker knows this.
whether or not this is a conscious action, i'm not sure. all the same, i am certain that the expression is honest & without guile. that, too, makes the ground roll beneath my feet; i am a woman unused to this deft wielding of loving words. they're terrifying.
---
those harmed once are caught by surprise, & those harmed twice are wary but willing; those harmed on multiple occasions soon become defensive experts. fear of hurt becomes the mortar, memories & history the impenetrable barricades, cynicism the cannons pointed at the outside world. for every new envoy, another barrier is raised, even prior to recognition as friend or foe. i sit in the highest tower, able to see without being seen. i watch, & i imagine, quasi-answering my deepest desires with ethereal fantasy. happiness is illusory--a simple cost of being safe.
& suddenly, it comes. i find myself struck. the fierce layers of protection are obliterated. i cough as the dust clouds rise. why am i crying? is it the debris, or is it the pain of no longer being able to hide? through the haze, i can make out a lone figure standing amidst the rubble. someone waits for me to come out into the open. who? & more puzzling, why? why would one go so far to draw me out? i'm cowardly in the face of one so astonishingly intrepid, but it's that same face that gives me courage. i tremble, & my legs are unsteady, but i will move away from these ruins.
---
keep speaking to me. use those words that blindside me & steal my breath. don't let me flee to my place of panic; i don't want to rebuild my fortress. take my hand, stay it, & teach it. teach me that it doesn't have to be an illusion; show me that reality does, in fact, hold beauty for those who are bold enough to seek it. i want to be brave, too. i want to love. i want to slay my fears.
thank God.
one wouldn't think that the mere mention of an artist 500+ years dead could upend me so, rendering me exposed. nonetheless, a name was invoked, a comparison made, & i was unprepared for the consequences. those words, with others, hit their mark with prodigious accuracy.
even the exquisite expertise behind the metaphor is, by itself, enough to fell me. the verbal fluidity exerted in the execution? adroit, abundant, & profound. every piece is necessary & possessed with a kind, yet indomitable spirit, & i stand no chance against such a force. i'm convinced that the speaker knows this.
whether or not this is a conscious action, i'm not sure. all the same, i am certain that the expression is honest & without guile. that, too, makes the ground roll beneath my feet; i am a woman unused to this deft wielding of loving words. they're terrifying.
---
those harmed once are caught by surprise, & those harmed twice are wary but willing; those harmed on multiple occasions soon become defensive experts. fear of hurt becomes the mortar, memories & history the impenetrable barricades, cynicism the cannons pointed at the outside world. for every new envoy, another barrier is raised, even prior to recognition as friend or foe. i sit in the highest tower, able to see without being seen. i watch, & i imagine, quasi-answering my deepest desires with ethereal fantasy. happiness is illusory--a simple cost of being safe.
& suddenly, it comes. i find myself struck. the fierce layers of protection are obliterated. i cough as the dust clouds rise. why am i crying? is it the debris, or is it the pain of no longer being able to hide? through the haze, i can make out a lone figure standing amidst the rubble. someone waits for me to come out into the open. who? & more puzzling, why? why would one go so far to draw me out? i'm cowardly in the face of one so astonishingly intrepid, but it's that same face that gives me courage. i tremble, & my legs are unsteady, but i will move away from these ruins.
---
keep speaking to me. use those words that blindside me & steal my breath. don't let me flee to my place of panic; i don't want to rebuild my fortress. take my hand, stay it, & teach it. teach me that it doesn't have to be an illusion; show me that reality does, in fact, hold beauty for those who are bold enough to seek it. i want to be brave, too. i want to love. i want to slay my fears.
No comments:
Post a Comment