hurt.

my tag for today's run? "solace."

in truth, it was anything but.



yesterday was rough for me. over the past week, i've been overwhelmed at all that needs to be done, & thanks to a few sleepless nights, my mind had reached its limit. i became engulfed in a depressive episode.

but that's no excuse. all that it brings to bear is the action i took as a result. there's someone i've come to love dearly, whom i'll refer to as N, & i've always been able to come to N when life seemed to be collapsing around me. calling him was almost instinctive, & i left a message, relating to him my current hardships. i was crying.

i was also forgetful, at a time when such a lapse is entirely unacceptable. at this moment, N himself is in the middle of an ocean of anguish, sadness, anger, and fear, of a far greater degree, of a far more sensitive nature. & for that minute i was on the phone, i forgot what his reality is & what it could be for the foreseeable future. i transgressed, & i'm all the more sorrowful for it.

it's that reality when you realize that while your loved one is already in a sea of hurt, you've done nothing but throw an iron anvil into his arms. my only wish since his situation began was to support & steady him in any way that i could. instead, after a week of doing my part, i lost sight of who needed whom more, & i kicked his feet out from under him, crying, "look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeeee." how could i be so thoughtless? is this what we do to those we love most? or do i just suck at life?

i've relayed my apology & have asked for forgiveness, although i won't insist. it will be a grace if he decides to bestow it, & that's all i can hope for. i've made his hardship harder, & that tears me apart. i so desperately want all to go well for him, for it to be possible to find peace, for his world to be whole again. i've said that i'm still here, offering what i can, if he'll have me. i pray for him. i can do nothing else.

i don't write this hoping that some reader will reach out over the Interwebs & say, "it's okay, everybody makes mistakes," trying to throw out words that would mollify my guilt. neither is this an attempt plead my case via blog-prostration, to say, "i'm really, really, really, really, really sorry... nowgetoveritasapsoidon'thavetofeelsobad&wecanactlikenothinghappened."

so why, indeed, have i taken my private situation to the public world? in a way, i kind of don't know. it's too soon for any resolution to arrive (either that which is hoped for or that which is not), & now is certainly not the time to ask for one. this is also not the time for expectations. perhaps though, perhaps i'm keeping a record of my true desires, a reminder to myself of my actions' consequences & of how i ought want to treat the people i love. i write it down because i need to remember that the other comes first. i write it down because i love, & i need to love better.


*regarding this post, i would ask that no comments be made nor questions asked, whether here, on social media, or via private messages/calls. this is all that needs to be said on the matter. i appreciate the understanding.