when it comes to certain words, i've always spelled my own way when my alternative was also correct. yes, i was that kid who, when she got one out of twenty spelling words wrong because she wrote t-h-e-a-t-r-e instead of t-h-e-a-t-e-r, promptly got up out of her seat while the teacher was talking, grabbed the dictionary, looked up the proper spelling, showed the now-very-annoyed teacher the validity of her answer, & didn't sit down until she got her point back.
i still spell that word that way. & i will always write g-r-e-y. i can't stand doing otherwise. i don't like having to handle multiple possibilities, none or all of which may be right. & you know the funny thing? this discomfort is completely ridiculous because, often, certainty is an illusory concept.
for whatever reason, while i live an outward life of tolerance sometimes bordering on pluralism, my inner life is undeniably black-&-white. i allow other people to believe their beliefs, choose their choices, & act their actions, in whatever iterations they see fit, though they may differ my personal concepts or truths. but, inside, i can't deal with "maybe," "possibly," "will just have to wait & see," "both work well," or "everybody's right." this drive for absolute demarcation drives me into the ground.
i've been teetering for a bit now, & i want to decide something. i want the unknown to be over. i want to have the courage to say, "NO, NO, NO, this isn't going to happen, i'm an idiot for clinging to a particular belief/attempt/desire, & i must relinquish it before i get blasted all to hell for my stubbornness, or outright stupidity, or both." however, what occurs to me is that this longed-for courage is simply a façade. the only thing i really want is to create my own sense of solid ground where i don't have to entertain the possibility that i very well might just teeter over the edge [again]. as a consequence, this so-called courage is its own opposite, & i am turned into the most cowardly of fools.
i don't trust my own judgment anymore, so any decisions to remain in undefined situations terrify me. hang on... are you telling me that i should wait? say again? that i should have the patience to see how everything plays out? are you pathologically insane? waiting... patience... that's the very stuff of my nightmares. i have endured quite the variety of bullshit (as has everyone else, so, you get me). thus, anything that threatens a historical repeat automatically raises the alarm, & i dive for cover. but what happens when the behaviors endured range the entire spectrum? that means anything is up & bound for repetition. it's nobody's fault. i've seen the inverted rainbow, & i'll see elements thereof again. i continue to forget--just because i see one undesired color, it doesn't mean that i'll only find more pots of coal.
i know, i know. i'm too thinky. i've always been too thinky. i've been too judgmental, i've been too critical. i've been too unforgiving. i've been to all of this, mostly to myself. i keep thinking that if i simply wait & keep on keepin' on, like i've done before, that if i have real, honest-to-Jesus faith, everything will explode, & i'll have to, like i've done before, spend months or even years picking the shrapnel out of my bloodied face. i'll make the wrong decision, like i've done before, & i'll pay for it, heavily, like i've done before.
have we noticed a pattern yet? i don't do waiting very well because i want a future defined, & i don't want life to happen like it has, like i've done before. however, careful introspection tells me that my only "mistake," really, has been the decision to believe in someone. the million dollar question: why can't i get it through my head that each choice to believe in an individual is going to be different every time?
i'm not saying that i should ignore self-care & personal well-being, just to play with fire. nor should i decide to go all in with people clearly exhibiting all the bells & whistles of suck. my advice to self is that i should understand that each person is different & thus does not so quickly disqualify the blanket outreach of trust. i honor no one, myself included, by disallowing others the opportunity to be who they are, as we all play our parts in each others' lives. i'm doing all parties a great disservice by drawing the shades every time a tiny speck of the inverted rainbow shows itself. if i close my window because someone glints in a familiar way, i will never have the chance to see the complete beauty that he or she is.
it's a gift that so many others are as patient as they are. i admire the fortitude my friends & loved ones have as they walk with me. they can only watch while i stumble, as some of my falls cannot be prevented, & they see me at my ugliest. i can be the supreme bitch, the world's most magnificent coward, the ultimate in noncommittal. & i'm sure that every single person in my life has been similarly hurt by those around them. amazingly, they stay close, & they don't assume that i'll be a carbon-copy asshole. they care about me. they keep giving me chances. they wait to see who i can become, without even voicing the possibility that they would, could, or should oust me from their circle.
it's time that i learned to wait with graceful, not grudging, patience. i have to accept ambiguity because there is no defining who any of us may be tomorrow. there is no promise that any of us may be here tomorrow. thus, slowly, i'll learn. i hope to shed my fears, & in so doing, be able to extend my whole self, without holding back. i'll trust. & thus, i'll love.
i still spell that word that way. & i will always write g-r-e-y. i can't stand doing otherwise. i don't like having to handle multiple possibilities, none or all of which may be right. & you know the funny thing? this discomfort is completely ridiculous because, often, certainty is an illusory concept.
for whatever reason, while i live an outward life of tolerance sometimes bordering on pluralism, my inner life is undeniably black-&-white. i allow other people to believe their beliefs, choose their choices, & act their actions, in whatever iterations they see fit, though they may differ my personal concepts or truths. but, inside, i can't deal with "maybe," "possibly," "will just have to wait & see," "both work well," or "everybody's right." this drive for absolute demarcation drives me into the ground.
i've been teetering for a bit now, & i want to decide something. i want the unknown to be over. i want to have the courage to say, "NO, NO, NO, this isn't going to happen, i'm an idiot for clinging to a particular belief/attempt/desire, & i must relinquish it before i get blasted all to hell for my stubbornness, or outright stupidity, or both." however, what occurs to me is that this longed-for courage is simply a façade. the only thing i really want is to create my own sense of solid ground where i don't have to entertain the possibility that i very well might just teeter over the edge [again]. as a consequence, this so-called courage is its own opposite, & i am turned into the most cowardly of fools.
i don't trust my own judgment anymore, so any decisions to remain in undefined situations terrify me. hang on... are you telling me that i should wait? say again? that i should have the patience to see how everything plays out? are you pathologically insane? waiting... patience... that's the very stuff of my nightmares. i have endured quite the variety of bullshit (as has everyone else, so, you get me). thus, anything that threatens a historical repeat automatically raises the alarm, & i dive for cover. but what happens when the behaviors endured range the entire spectrum? that means anything is up & bound for repetition. it's nobody's fault. i've seen the inverted rainbow, & i'll see elements thereof again. i continue to forget--just because i see one undesired color, it doesn't mean that i'll only find more pots of coal.
i know, i know. i'm too thinky. i've always been too thinky. i've been too judgmental, i've been too critical. i've been too unforgiving. i've been to all of this, mostly to myself. i keep thinking that if i simply wait & keep on keepin' on, like i've done before, that if i have real, honest-to-Jesus faith, everything will explode, & i'll have to, like i've done before, spend months or even years picking the shrapnel out of my bloodied face. i'll make the wrong decision, like i've done before, & i'll pay for it, heavily, like i've done before.
have we noticed a pattern yet? i don't do waiting very well because i want a future defined, & i don't want life to happen like it has, like i've done before. however, careful introspection tells me that my only "mistake," really, has been the decision to believe in someone. the million dollar question: why can't i get it through my head that each choice to believe in an individual is going to be different every time?
i'm not saying that i should ignore self-care & personal well-being, just to play with fire. nor should i decide to go all in with people clearly exhibiting all the bells & whistles of suck. my advice to self is that i should understand that each person is different & thus does not so quickly disqualify the blanket outreach of trust. i honor no one, myself included, by disallowing others the opportunity to be who they are, as we all play our parts in each others' lives. i'm doing all parties a great disservice by drawing the shades every time a tiny speck of the inverted rainbow shows itself. if i close my window because someone glints in a familiar way, i will never have the chance to see the complete beauty that he or she is.
it's a gift that so many others are as patient as they are. i admire the fortitude my friends & loved ones have as they walk with me. they can only watch while i stumble, as some of my falls cannot be prevented, & they see me at my ugliest. i can be the supreme bitch, the world's most magnificent coward, the ultimate in noncommittal. & i'm sure that every single person in my life has been similarly hurt by those around them. amazingly, they stay close, & they don't assume that i'll be a carbon-copy asshole. they care about me. they keep giving me chances. they wait to see who i can become, without even voicing the possibility that they would, could, or should oust me from their circle.
it's time that i learned to wait with graceful, not grudging, patience. i have to accept ambiguity because there is no defining who any of us may be tomorrow. there is no promise that any of us may be here tomorrow. thus, slowly, i'll learn. i hope to shed my fears, & in so doing, be able to extend my whole self, without holding back. i'll trust. & thus, i'll love.
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